Stolen season
by IcyLady
Summary: "Some things just happen without a reason." A series of one-shots revolving around the development of a certain improbable relationship between one who did not want a heart and one who should not have a heart.
1. Celebration of the evening

**Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man.**

**Author's note: I probably got some facts wrong and I guess that the manga will end differently (if it'll ever end). So you can read this as kind of canon-compliant alternate universe or something.**

**All the titles are quotes from "Stolen season", a song by The 69 Eyes.**

* * *

**Celebration of the evening**

General Tiedoll had arrived the day before and so Yu was hiding. A General, Yu had been told, was somebody important and impressive, somebody whom "exorcists", such as himself, were supposed to obey. Noise Marie had told him that General Tiedoll was his master and mentor and that he would try to convince the General to take Yu as an apprentice as well, but Yu didn't want to call anybody "Master". He had told that to Marie, but the blind man just smiled in a way that suggested he wasn't exactly paying attention. Yu hated it when grown-ups looked at him in that way, but he didn't say anything, just went to hide.

With any luck, the General would leave without finding him, he thought, curling up in the corner of a room he had never been to before. It happened often these days, now that he was out of the Sixth Laboratory, that he would find a place he hadn't seen before. It seemed like world outside the lab was endless and it was scaring him more than he cared to admit.

His stomach growled, which he had learnt was a sign that he was hungry, so he decided to abandon his hiding place, hoping to make it to the canteen without meeting the General or Marie. Canteen was one of the places he had seen before although never with quite as many people as recently. He didn't like the crowds, he had realised that very quickly. They were loud and people would bump into him sometimes. However, he didn't really know how to avoid them yet, since slicing through everybody with his Innocence, which had anyway been taken away, was not a good idea.

However, he only made it a couple of steps before a foreign voice called out.

'Oi, you,' the voice said rudely and Yu stiffened before turning to face the voice's owner. The boy standing in front of him grinned. 'Are you the new apprentice of that weird, old man?' the boy asked, confusing Yu greatly. What was that boy talking about? 'My name is Daisya, and yours?' the boy asked another question, seemingly undeterred by the lack of response, extending his hand. Yu looked at it doubtfully, not sure what he was supposed to do.

'Kanda,' he muttered with only a slight hesitation. He had chosen this as a name to complement "Yu", because apparently "Yu" was not enough for the Black Order. Funnily enough, it seemed to be enough before, but he didn't complain. If he could make everybody call him "Kanda", nobody would say "Yu" anymore and he wouldn't be hearing Alma's voice echoing in his head. He wouldn't be remembering his one and only friend, whom he had killed viciously, and not just once and twice. He had killed Alma countless times, hacking him into pieces over and over again, until he had stopped regenerating and Yu was left alone, bathed in their blood, chocking on his desperate sobs.

'Nice to meet you Kanda,' the boy called Daisya said with a grin, withdrawing his hand and snapping Yu out of his miserable thoughts. Was it some sort of a wave? He wondered if he should do the same kind of motion with extending and withdrawing his hand. 'Do you like football?' Daisya asked. Yu blinked at him slowly.

'What is football?' he asked, feeling stupid. He realised that he didn't like to feel stupid, so he scowled at the boy in front of him, especially when Daisya dared to looked surprised. Not everybody needed to know "football", Yu thought angrily, surely Daisya didn't know what it meant to "synchronise" or that human-like things could spring from holes in the floor.

'You don't know what football is?' Daisya asked. Yu scowled some more. 'I guess I'll have to teach you if you also become an apprentice of Tiedoll,' he added. Did that boy mean that he was an apprentice as well? But he didn't call the General "master". Yu just watched him, earning a frown.

'Don't look at me like that, Kanda,' Daisya said finally, his smile fading a bit. 'Tell me something about yourself. I was born in Bodrum, in Turkey, on the 5th of April, eleven years ago. What about you?' he asked. Yu stared at him, trying to process the situation. Was he supposed to say that he was born in the lab now? Would everybody he was going to expect to hear that from him? He didn't want everybody to know that he wasn't human. 'Let's try it easy, when is your birthday?' Daisya asked.

Yu really hated feeling stupid. He didn't understand the question, yet the way Daisya had spoken suggested that the answer should be obvious. How could he know the answer when he didn't understand the question? He was about to lash out at the boy, beat him up like he would beat Alma up when the other boy had annoyed him. However, hands resting on his shoulders gently made him stiffen, forgetting all about Daisya as he fought down the irrational fear that woke in him every time somebody touched him.

'His birthday is today,' said Bak and Yu allowed himself to relax. The new Branch Chief, Bak Chang was always gentle and soft and would not hurt him. It took him a moment to process the sentence. What was a birthday? He vaguely remembered Alma saying that word once. 'In fact, we're all looking for you two boys, because the General insists on having a little birthday party for you,' Back added. Daisya brightened up, asking Yu whether he didn't say anything to start with. I didn't know, Yu thought, letting Bak guide him out of the room.

'How old are you?' Daisya asked as they walked. Another question Yu didn't fully understand. He only started to realise that the world he and Alma had been shown wasn't even a fraction of the real world and it hurt. If he hadn't gone crazy because of the memories, would he and Alma still not know about "football" and Generals? Would they even be let out of the Sixth Lab at all?

Marie didn't think that it was "fair" keeping him locked up and managed to convince everybody that Yu wasn't going to go on a murderous rampage, so he had been let out of the small room, in which he was held after killing Alma. It had been three days earlier and had started the new adventure of discovering just how little he knew.

'He's eleven, just like you,' Bak answered smoothly. Yu memorised that, along with the date that, he had been told earlier that day, was June the 6th. The cook had told him that it meant it was the 6th day of June, but he didn't explain what "June" was.

Daisya looked like he wanted to say something more, but they had arrived to the canteen and a loud "Happy birthday, Yu" stopped whatever words were on the tip of his tongue. He grinned, while Yu looked at the gathered people, trying to figure out what was going on. They were all grinning at him, even though he only recognised a couple of the faces.

He noticed the man standing next to Marie and decided that it be the General Tiedoll, even though he didn't look impressive. He wasn't even as tall as Marie, Yu noted, scoffing slightly. However, before he could delve into those thoughts, the cook, Zu, and Fou, the "ghost" who had cheered Alma up, brought something big and fluffy, with eleven sticks sticking out, each with a small flame.

'Make a wish, Yu,' Fou said with a grin. She didn't look at all like the woman Yu had seen and anyway, he knew now that Fou was no ghost. She was the protective spirit of the Asian Branch. Yu frowned in confusion and looked at Bak, who was still standing behind him. He had only one wish really, Alma's wish, and he had already told Bak everything and the Branch Chief agreed to stop the Second Exorcist project completely.

The Branch Chief looked back at him and then his face adopted that expression Yu had seen on him before and couldn't understand at all. He knew a couple of expressions – he could understand anger, pain and sadness. Confusion was something he was becoming increasingly familiar with as well, but the expression on Bak's face was a mystery. Now that he thought of it, he had seen a similar expression on Doctor Edgar's face, however, he tried his best to not think about the dead doctor.

It didn't help that Bak was somehow very similar to Doctor Edgar.

'A happy kind of wish, Yu,' Bak muttered finally. 'You think a wish that you would like to come true and you blow the candles, uh, those lit up sticks. You blow on them so that the fire goes away,' he explained awkwardly. Yu still hated feeling stupid, but at least Daisya had been called by the General and wasn't there to hear the explanation. Zu and Fou knew everything anyway.

He looked at the Branch Chief and then at the thing Fou and Zu were holding. Bak muttered that it was a cake for him and that Old Man Zu put loads of effort into it. Not seeing any other option, Yu took a deep breath and blew out the candles, jumping up in fright as everybody cheered when he managed to get all of them off at once. Zu went about cutting the "cake", while Marie came over with the General and introduced Yu to the man, also officially introducing Daisya as Tiedoll's apprentice.

'What did you wish for?' Daisya asked cheerfully, only to be scolded by Tiedoll that Yu was not supposed to tell. It was for the better, because Yu hadn't bothered with the wish, not seeing the point. Plates with pieces of the "cake" were given out to everybody and Yu discovered that he didn't like "cake". It had a weird taste that, Bak told him when he asked, was called "sweet".

'Ah, before I forget,' Bak exclaimed, putting away his plate and picking up a big, wrapped box that was near him, on the floor. Inexplicably, Daisya clapped his hands. 'It's a gift from us in the Asian Branch,' he explained, giving the box to Yu, who took it gingerly.

'A gift?' he repeated. How many words were there that he hadn't known yet? The expression was back on Bak's face for a moment, before the Branch Chief explained that a gift was something offered to somebody. It could be given on an occasion, like birthday. Nodding, even though he didn't understand the purpose of the gift, Yu unwrapped the box and opened it to reveal a beautiful katana. He gasped in awe.

'Old Man Zu made it,' Bak said, grinning. 'It's your Innocence and it's called Mugen,' he added as Yu delicately picked the katana up and unsheathed it as though he had been doing it for years. Somehow the motion seemed natural to him and completely understandable, unlike this new world around him.

'Mugen,' he repeated, sliding his finger along the blade, making it gleam. Bak told him that he had just successfully activated the weapon, but there was something strained in his voice. Yu ignored him, looking at the blade with appreciation. 'Thank you,' he said finally, glad that he could use a word he had learnt recently.

'Any time, Yu, any time,' Bak replied with a small, warm smile. 'When you grow, Zu will make you another one, to fit you again,' he informed him. 'Now I'll let you talk with your new master,' he added. With those words, Bak, Zu and Fou disappeared into the crowd and Yu looked at the General with wide eyes. The man smiled gently.

'Marie said you don't want to call me "master",' the General said. 'I'm sure we're going to find a way out of that situation. Apprentices are like children, so you can call me "father" if you prefer,' he added. Yu looked at him with wide eyes, trying to process the words.

'But,' he mumbled. 'But Doctor Edgar was father,' he said. The General's eyes widened and then narrowed slightly. Marie seemed shocked and Daisya just blinked at him. Yu realised that he said something stupid and he felt irritation well up in him. He had seriously had enough of feeling stupid for one day.

'Father is a man who has a child,' the General said patiently, after a moment, but his gentle tone only served to irritate Yu further. 'Like mother is a woman, who has a child,' the man added and Yu almost growled. If it had been Alma, he would have already lashed out, but he couldn't attack the General.

'Yu, are you-' Bak started worriedly, but never got to finish, because Yu finally exploded.

'My name is Kanda,' he yelled at the top of his lungs. 'Get that into your thick heads and don't call me that anymore,' he added, slightly quieter, clutching Mugen's hilt so tightly that it hurt. He was never giving those people the chance to make him feel stupid, ever again. With that thought firmly in his head, he stormed out of the canteen.


	2. This lonely song

**This lonely song**

They were travelling through China, still weary after witnessing the last war, when the Bookman announced that they would be joining an organisation called the Black Order, to record their war with demons. His apprentice had actually never heard about the organisation, but he had quickly corrected that.

The Black Order, it seemed, was quite a powerful order, kept secret from general knowledge and under the firm control of the pope. They recruited people who could wield a weapon called "Innocence" and, there not being many accommodators, they often recruited by force. Often, the recruits were young and the Bookman's apprentice decided that it was a fine chance to try another personality. The current one was boring him and it completely didn't fit his teenage appearance, damn that spell he has been hit with. Besides, he figured that a friendlier kind of personality would work better in the close-knit group that the Order seemed to be. Friendly people tended to get more information.

Later on, the apprentice found out that he would become an exorcist himself, even though he had never thought he could be anything else than a human shell, dedicated solely to recording the history. The Bookman informed him that he could become an accomodator, they would both become exorcists, if only because the Order didn't accept strangers.

It didn't matter much to the apprentice. It was just a job to be done. Although, if he was entirely honest with himself, he would admit that the idea of being a "hero to the world" was an interesting one. For a change, he could play the game, rather than just watch and that knowledge became a huge factor in the construction of his new personality. He had already decided for "friendly" and "cheerful", and now he added "somewhat brave".

Even later on, the apprentice, who had by then chosen to call his new personality "Lavi", found out that they would be starting their adventure with the Order by visiting he Asian Branch. It was so for two reasons.

Already being in Asia, they were close by, which was convenient, because the Asians were apparently the most adept at helping synchronization with the exorcist weapons: Innocence. The Bookman had explained, while getting increasingly frustrated by "Lavi", that it could be useful to have help with the synchronization and the apprentice accepted it without a problem, dropping the friendly persona until they had arrived at the Asian Branch.

They were welcomed politely and the apprentice, polishing his personality, immediately became labelled as a careless flirt, which was exactly what he was aiming for. It never ceased to amaze him how easy it was to manipulate people and how nobody would question the fact that his smile never quite reached his eyes, as long as he was smiling at everybody.

At the Bookman's request, they were granted full access to the archives and "Lavi" grudgingly went about learning everything he could about the organisation, starting from the generals and the descriptions of the main branches of the Order. Acting the part became easier and easier with every passing day and the apprentice knew that, before he would realise, he would start calling himself Lavi without the quotation marks. It had always been like that.

Reading through the logs of some of their synchronization testing while waiting for their help, he wondered if it was too late to grab the Bookman and make a run for it. Even to him, the images those logs evoked were disturbing and he didn't think he wanted to submit himself to anything alike.

Thankfully, his own synchronization turned out to be pretty painless. The scientists from the "synchro-lab" of the Asian Branch, all of them weirdly young, merely checked him up. They took all the possible measurements, including blood and a psychological evaluation, and suggested a certain cube of the sparkling matter, warning that, if they were wrong, the consequences could be dire.

They hadn't been wrong and Lavi, already without the quotation marks, found himself wielding a size-changing hammer. It was pretty wicked and, what was even better, he had made friends with the young branch chief, Bak Chang, who was also the head scientist of the Branch, directly responsible for the "synchro-lab". The newly made friendship would hopefully result in getting some answers without having to spend hours going through the archives. Besides, this persona was finding it much more agreeable to talk with people, rather than reading from logs.

'Their age?' Bak asked back with a small wince when Lavi inquired about the group, one day during lunch. He didn't miss the slight pause in the conversations around them. It was not at all the reaction he was expecting to get and his interest increased. 'The lab has only created three years ago, after some, eh, internal reorganisation,' Bak said finally and it was more than obvious that he was not saying the whole truth.

'Really?' Lavi drilled, keeping his friendly smile firmly in place, honestly curious. He didn't see any mention about reorganisation in the logs of the synchronization testing and he hadn't yet gotten around to reading the more general archives about the Branch, morbidly fascinated by the history of legalised bloodshed. 'But the synchronization testing I read about happened before that,' he commented, watching Bak's face twist in a sad kind of scowl for a moment. Interesting, he thought. 'So was it a different lab?' he asked, wondering if the unease on Bak's face had something to do with the fact that the testing logs ended approximately three years earlier. It was, now that he thought about it, quite a coincidence.

'This isn't a good conversation topic, Lavi,' the scientist said finally, his voice strained and somewhat pained. 'We're doing our best to erase the atrocities of that lab and many people are touchy about the subject,' he explained without explaining anything.

Lavi, the Bookman's apprentice had found, adored "touchy" subjects. He assumed that the "atrocities" were the actual synchronisation tests and he decided that he needed to see why they ended. He was itching to leave the canteen there and then, to go looking for what he had missed. Instead, he changed the topic and found out that Bak became the Branch Chief about three years ago as well, which made him even more curious.

Right after lunch, he went back to the archives with a firm resolution to find out everything. He started by Bak's file, finding out that he was the son of the previous Branch Chief, Twi Chang, and a scientist, both of them heavily involved in the "Second Exorcist Project". The files of the project not only redirected Lavi to the synchronisation tests, but also to the discovery of why they had ended. Appealed and fascinated by the descriptions of the bloody massacre, Lavi read about the rampage of the Second Exorcist test subject, "Alma", in which the whole lab personnel was slaughtered, effectively putting a stop to the project. Only the second test subject had survived, having murdered "Alma" over and over again, until the regenerative seal, in which they were both equipped, had stopped working.

The Bookman caught him studying and nodded his appreciation for Lavi's initiative.

'General Tiedoll has taken the only remaining Second Exorcist as an apprentice,' the old man told him, his voice emotionless as usual. 'We will eventually meet him and I want you to use "Lavi" to investigate him. It would be most shameful if the Bookmen didn't record the species before it becomes extinct.'

'Sure thing, Gramps,' Lavi replied, smiling despite what he was just reading. The Bookman's expression darkened and Lavi chuckled to himself: the old man sure had problems getting used to his new personality.

As soon as the Bookman left, the apprentice applied himself to the study of the personal folder of the last surviving Second Exorcist, "Yu". Interestingly, the boy had another file, as Kanda Yu. That one stated that he had been a son of Japanese immigrants, murdered brutally when he was one year old. He was said to have been raised by somebody who had later become a scientist in the Asian Branch and have been discovered to be a host by accident, by general Tiedoll.

It was a bunch of lies, so Lavi turned to the files he had found on "Yu". The folder was pretty complete, with psychological evaluations of the test subject at "birth", throughout the brutal testing and, finally, after the test subject had repeatedly murdered "Alma" in order to survive. The picture emerging from those evaluations was not inviting, not that Lavi was surprised, after reading what the test subject, who seemed to have had the consciousness akin to that of a human child to start with, had been put through. However, Lavi fully expected that the time spent with eccentric General Tiedoll would have changed the test subject into something more pleasant.

In the very last pocket of the folder, Lavi found a photo. It portrayed a group of scientists, all of them smiling proudly and looking satisfied, together with two boys, aged no more than eleven. One of the boys, with short, messy hair and long bangs, was also smiling, while the other, with evenly cut hair, nearly reaching until his shoulders, was scowling, looking away from the camera. It didn't take a genius to guess which one was "Yu" and which one was "Alma". On the other side, somebody had written in elegant handwriting: Taken two weeks after "Yu" and "Alma" survived their first synchronisation tests.

Two weeks, countless hours of training and many nights of studying later, Lavi and the Bookman left the Asian Branch.


	3. All your fears

**All your fears**

With the last, graceful movement, Kanda finished the practice routine, knowing that he had managed to perform it flawlessly. He had been practicing. Sheathing his most precious Mugen with care, he turned to his master, awaiting the prise that he knew was coming. Not only because he had managed after only three days of practicing and it was supposed to be difficult, but also because Tiedoll only ever had good things to say and even managed to make reprimands sound encouraging.

'As expected, you mastered it in no time,' the general said with a smile that, Kanda had learned, was to be described as "warm". He bowed respectfully, accepting the compliment wordlessly. 'If only you showed such enthusiasm for art, I would be more than overjoyed,' the general added and Kanda made his annoyance known by uttering a "tsk". The general smiled and Kanda recognised the expression as "indulgence". Truly, human beings were complicated.

'Can you show me the next routine?' he asked, when the general didn't seem to want to say any more. The man sighed and something foreign flashed in his eyes. There he was, thinking that he had managed to learn the whole range of the man's expressions.

'I think you know enough for your age, Kanda,' the man finally said, prompting Kanda to repeat the discontented "tsk". He wasn't going to stop just because other people couldn't keep up with him. 'At this rate, you will be judged to be a fully able exorcist, by the time we reach the headquarters,' the man added and Kanda wasn't sure why he didn't sound happy about that.

'I was made to be an exorcist,' he reminded the general coldly, his thin politeness quickly wearing out. It was only the respect for the general that kept his mouth in check. The foreign thing flashed in the general's eyes again, before the man got up with a sigh and picked up a stick that he used for a "sword" in their practices.

'You can learn the next routine from anybody in the Order,' he announced and raised his hand when Kanda opened his mouth to protest. 'We will start on something else if you promise that you will go and play with Daisya and Noise afterwards,' he said. Kanda pursed his lips.

Daisya and Marie took the opportunity the general had given them and had taken the day as a holiday, seeing as it was some sort of important date. Kanda knew that they were playing football with Daisya's Charity Ball, his Innocence weapon that the Asian Branch developed. It was hardly the proper use of Innocence, in Kanda's mind, but then again he hardly cared what happened to that damned substance. His world would have been better if it didn't exist.

Kanda hated football, like every other group activity that Daisya tried to force onto him throughout their little-over-two-year-long trip around the world with the general. However, he wanted to learn the new thing. Fighting was the only thing he actually wanted to learn, grudgingly suffering through the lessons of writing, English and history, just to be granted the time to perfect his sword skills. It didn't help that all those "additional" lessons included plenty of things Kanda had no idea about and left him lost and confused regularly. He hated it when Tiedoll, Marie or, God forbid, Daisya had to explain one concept or another, which happened during nearly every lesson.

'Fine,' he relented finally. He hadn't spent the whole previous day stumbling through English tenses to waste the opportunity to learn more fighting. The general smiled slightly and took a length of tissue out of his pocket. Kanda frowned.

'A good swordsman should be able to judge the danger just by hearing it,' the man explained, coming up to Kanda and, after getting a nod, wrapping the tissue over Kanda's eyes. He stiffened instinctively at the touch, but forced himself to relax. 'It will be difficult in the beginning and it will take time,' the general continued, his voice getting further away. 'Keep the blade sheathed and point it towards me,' he ordered.

Kanda did as he was told, scowling when the general said that he almost got it right. He hated being wrong and there was no "almost right" in his dictionary. He ignored the annoying voice in his head, sounding suspiciously like Daisya, telling him that there were not many words in his dictionary in general. He moved Mugen a bit to the right and a small chuckle told him that he was correct this time.

'I will keep talking while I try to attack and, to make it easy for the first time, I'll always cut from the top, towards the left, got it?' the general asked. Kanda nodded, gripping the hilt a bit tighter.

He focused on the sound of the general's voice, hoping that he was always facing the man and swinging when he heard the warning that the general was going to attack. Every single time, his Mugen met a stick with a dry kind of sound. Eventually, the general's voice dropped down to a whisper and the man stopped announcing his strikes, leaving Kanda to listen to the tell-tale swish of air. He had missed the first one, much to his chagrin.

'Kanda,' yelled a loud, complaining voice and Kanda instinctively turned to face the other apprentice, almost missing the swish of air and gasping when the stick fell on the junction between his right arm and his neck. He swore, ripping off the blindfold, half the mind to attack Daisya.

'You need to keep better focus Yu,' the general said calmly, stopping Kanda in his tracks. He breathed deeply, remembering that Daisya was not Alma and he needed to control himself.

'Kanda,' he corrected darkly, forcing himself to relax.

'Don't let anything distract you,' the general continued as though Kanda had not spoken. He nodded, memorising the humiliating, at least in his opinion, lesson.

'Don't tell him that, old man,' Daisya whined. 'He makes me look bad, with all the practice he gets done,' he added, winking at Kanda, who scowled. The two of them had a very peculiar kind of relationship, or so Kanda had been told, of a strained friendship. It was very similar, in a way, to his relationship with Alma, so Kanda wasn't sure why it was called "strained" and what were other ways of interacting with people.

'And mind your language,' Tiedoll finished with a reproachful look, before turning to Daisya. 'You playing football is like practicing, since your Innocence is a ball,' he added. Kanda hated the smug grin on Daisya's face, especially when the general said that Kanda wanted to join the game and if they were up to some more. Daisya was just opening his mouth to answer, when demons sprang out of nowhere.

'Fall back,' the general ordered, even as Marie invoked his Innocence. Ever since they set out from the Asian Branch, he never let his two young apprentices fight, but Kanda has finally had enough. He was done hiding.

'No,' Kanda replied firmly, drawing Mugen and activating it while the general protested that he wasn't going to have innocent children kill. Kanda scoffed: he didn't know about Daisya, but there was nothing innocent about him.

Daisya said that if Kanda was fighting than so was he and the general looked stricken, but there was no more time to discuss the matters. He only had the time to order Kanda to stick with Marie and Daisya to stay with him. Afterwards the demons attacked and they all had to dodge the deadly bullets.

'Let's show them what we're made of,' Marie growled as he got up and checked discretely, though Kanda still noticed, that he was alright. Somehow, from Marie, he didn't mind this behaviour so he didn't dwell on it, watching instead how the older exorcist trapped the nearest creature in his strings and gave a sign to Kanda to cut it. Scowling at the help, Kanda terminated the demon with a couple of cuts.

'Well done,' Marie commented. Kanda allowed himself a small smirk of satisfaction before they repeated the same with two more demons. In the meantime, Tiedoll and Daisya got rid of other two attackers and the general looked at them all with a mix of pride and worry.

'You will make good exorcists,' he said quietly, sadly. 'I wish there was a way to give you the childhood you deserve,' he added. Kanda scoffed, while Daisya reminded that he left home to not be bored. The older man looked at them for a moment and nodded. Again, Kanda couldn't read his expression, but it wasn't the most important thing anyway.

'We will take a small detour to investigate a rumour of Innocence,' the general informed them in a different tone. Even Kanda, who was very bad at reading people, could tell that the man was hiding something. He didn't ask, instead following the orders to prepare dinner that the man uttered moments later.

After dinner and a long, pointless according to Kanda, chat about art, when he couldn't sleep, he realised that he had managed to avoid the football. The thought made him smirk with satisfaction and remember the demon attack. Those were level-one demons, he thought, and I still needed to cut them a couple of times to get them to die.

'Master?' he heard Marie whisper in the silence, snapping him out of his thoughts. 'Are you asleep?' the man asked. Kanda forced himself to breathe evenly, to not betray his awareness.

'My worries don't let my sleep,' the general replied in a tone that Kanda had never quite heard before. What could make the general so worried as to not let him sleep?

'Why are we investigating the Innocence?' Marie asked after a short moment of silence. 'Haven't we been away for long enough?' he added. Kanda knew that more than two years of travelling were a long time, even for a general, to stay away from the headquarters.

'I asked Komui for this mission,' the general admitted in a heavy tone. 'I'm afraid that as soon as we arrive, Yu will be sent out on a mission alone. Komui said that the Central has been asking about the Second for a while now and, once we arrive, he will not be able to stop it for long,' he explained. The words chilled Kanda to the bone. He wasn't sure if it was because of their meaning or because the general was sacrificing all the others for him, somehow.

'But he's just a child,' Marie protested. Kanda scowled at his words. Any other time, he would have protested vehemently, but he didn't want to betray that he was not asleep. The general sighed heavily.

'From what Komui says it is obvious that the Central doesn't see him as a human being,' he said after such a long pause that Kanda hadn't expected him to speak up again. Even though he didn't exactly consider himself to be human, the words hurt. He hated it when words hurt, so he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He didn't care what the Order thought. He hated them all. He blamed the Order for the pain of the testing and for Alma's madness. If they were human he certainly didn't want to be human, he didn't want to have anything in common with them.

'Those bastards,' Marie muttered angrily, the words almost forming a growl. 'It's good to know, master. I'll make sure to drag out the mission as much as possible,' he added and Kanda felt a pang of a warm feeling. He didn't know what it was, although it reminded him of that night when he had laughed with Alma.

'Thank you, Marie,' the general muttered, his voice conveying something that Kanda had been taught was "gratefulness". He realised that he should be grateful to those two as well. 'I think I'll have to forego all the lessons to make sure he trains enough to survive on his own missions. Although he could do with more knowledge,' the general muttered.

Kanda scoffed.


	4. Still bleeding

**Thanks FrenchMacaroni!**

* * *

**Still bleeding**

The trip to the headquarters of the Black Order took time, but mainly because they were now distracted by the creatures called "demons". From what they had learnt, those creatures were attracted to the Innocence and thus it was only reasonable that, carrying two pieces, they would attract some attention. By the time they had reached the damned place, Lavi had already had enough of that particular war.

Almost immediately upon their arrival, Lavi met Lenalee and, within five minutes, congratulated himself on his choice of persona. Lenalee very obviously liked him, as a dear friend, nearly from the first sight. Of course, it could be because she didn't have that many friends her age, since Lavi knew that the exorcists were usually at least somewhat grown-up. He had been surprised to see her, thinking that he and the Second would be the only teenagers. Then again, her presence made it easier for him to carry out his task, so he made an extra effort to befriend her.

From the shadows, the Bookman nodded his approval.

'I'm really happy you're here,' Lenalee said, two weeks after they had met. They were sitting in the canteen, having lunch and he could barely hear her over the racket all the Finders were making. Thankfully, he could read her lips and thus respond accordingly: smiling.

'I'm happy you're here as well,' he replied. 'I'd have gone crazy with all the adults, if I was stuck here alone,' he added and she reminded him that Daisya was there as well. True, he thought with a mental wince, remembering the tight-lipped Turk. Daisya Barry had been found by general Tiedoll and had spent two years in the company of the Second, but he never mentioned anything worthwhile. The object of Lavi's interest still had to make an appearance, being away on a mission apparently.

'I mean I have my brother here, but he's quite old and always busy,' Lenalee continued, but he only half listened. He knew that her brother had just became the Supervisor of the Order's main branch and that he had joined the Order as a scientist with the sole purpose of being together with his younger sister. It was quite noble of him, Lavi thought.

By now he knew also that just about everybody in the science department adored Lenalee as their younger sister and spoiled her whenever possible. He wasn't sure if it was because of Komui, her brother, because she was young and cute or because she was one of very, very few girls. He knew that she enjoyed the attention though, always making a point to prepare a coffee for the scientists, just so that they tell her nice things.

'You're lucky,' he said softly when he realised she had fallen silent. 'Not many exorcists have the luxury of having a family,' he explained at her surprised expression. Surprisingly, she pursed her lips.

'I guess you're right,' she admitted somewhat hesitantly. 'Though it was not always like that,' she whispered sadly and Lavi realised what was coming: the story of her life. He knew it of course, because he had read her file. However, it wouldn't be good if the girl knew, so he asked and listened to her tearful voice emotionlessly, pretending to be revolted.

'I can't believe they could have done that to you,' he even said at some point, accidentally fuelling her complaints. Damn that girl, the Bookman's apprentice thought, and where was Daisya when Lavi needed him?

'But you know what?' she asked suddenly, her tone changing completely, no trace of tears or sadness left in a matter of seconds. Lavi blinked, amazed at the change. 'Kanda is back from his mission today, so how about we pick Daisya up and go down to greet him?' she asked.

Did she just say "Kanda"? Lavi fought to control his expression. Thankfully the girl wasn't paying attention to him, only dragging him behind her as she rushed down the corridor.

Daisya, who was the only other teenaged exorcist, took to Lavi immediately. Together, they wreaked havoc in the building whenever they could, which was surprisingly often, considering that they had only known each other for two weeks. They also quickly became Jerry the cook's favourites, next to the precious Lenalee of course.

He wasn't there in his room and he wasn't in the training area, so Lenalee concluded that he must be going on his own, suddenly remembering that Daisya always did go to greet Kanda. Lavi filed a question about Lenalee and Daisya not being on missions for later, because they met the Turk, who was very obviously on the way to the docks. He greeted them with a mocking comment about how overjoyed Kanda would be at the welcoming committee.

'Really?' Lenalee asked, eyes wide. Lavi realised she didn't get the sarcasm. 'If I knew I'd go down to greet him the other times as well,' she added enthusiastically. Daisya laughed. He continued laughing until they reached the shore and a small boat arrived.

'Loud and obnoxious as always,' said a cold voice that definitely belonged to a young boy. Daisya's laughter died quickly, though the boy didn't lose the smile. Lavi looked at the owner of the voice, who was climbing out of the boat.

The Second Exorcist, for it doubtlessly was the boy from the photo, was wearing a bloodied uniform, a sword of some kind hanging from the belt around his hips. It was the same uniform Lavi was supposed to wear – the exorcist outfit, and it would almost seem like some ridiculous dress-up, if not for the blood soaking through the dark clothing. The Second's black hair was longer than in the picture, reaching down to his shoulders, and he looked a couple of years older. Lavi quickly classified those changes, making mental notes to put on paper afterwards.

'Grumpy as always,' Daisya countered brightly, but his expression fell as he took in the other teenager more carefully. 'Have you been injured?' he asked, worry clearly audible in his voice. Lavi also took a closer look and noticed that the Second's uniform has been torn at the right shoulder.

'It's healed,' the Second said carelessly and Lavi remembered the reports of the regenerative abilities. It was something to be jealous of, he thought. He wondered if there would ever be a time to discuss the matter with the Second, because he wanted to know whether the regeneration was still at the same level than before.

In the meantime, the Second glanced around and stiffened when he noticed that Daisya didn't come alone. Obviously, as much as the Turk was somewhat welcomed, the other two were not. As the boy glared at him coldly, the Bookman's apprentice took the moment to memorize the pretty face and the glaring gaze. Let's start the real work, he thought, smiling in what he hoped was a friendly way.

'What is this?' the Second asked coldly, turning back to Daisya, who shrugged. Lavi noted that the Turk didn't seem all that happy anymore. Humans and their complicated emotions, Lavi thought, while Lenalee spoke up for the first time.

'I thought we could welcome you and Daisya said you would like it,' she explained gleefully, but even her ever present smile faltered, when the Second glared at her briefly. 'Oh and,' she started after a pause, back on her track. 'This is Lavi. He's a new exorcist. Lavi, this is Kanda Yu, but he wants to be called Kanda,' she introduced them in her usual, cheerful tone. The Second glared at Lavi again and said nothing, dampening Lenalee's enthusiasm again.

Did she even know what she was introducing to Lavi? He didn't think so, or she wouldn't be smiling like that, because Lavi already knew that Lenalee couldn't stand violence. By all rights she should be crying over the "poor boy's" fate. However, it would do no good to enlighten her, and betray his extensive knowledge of all his "comrades", so Lavi just pulled up the brightest grin and looked straight at the tense Second.

'Hey there,' he started in a cheery tone that was very much in character of his persona. 'Yu-chan, nice to-' he stopped abruptly, because he realised that there was the tip of a shiny sword pointing right between his eyes and that it looked really, really sharp. Oups.

'The name's Kanda,' the Second hissed. No teenager should be able to make such an innocent sentence sound like a threat but the tone clearly said "remember that or I'll cut you into ribbons".

'Eh, Kanda,' Daisya started uncertainly, while Lenalee shouted at the Second to put the sword away and not threaten the new kid or she would tell Komui. Barely audible over her voice, Daisya pointed out that hurting the future Bookman would not earn Kanda any points in the eyes of the newly elected Supervisor.

'Tch,' the Second said, if the sound could be approximated to a word. The blade disappeared and Lavi made a point to tell Lenalee that it wasn't a sword but a katana, earning a calculating look from the Second. He smiled at him brightly.

'We seem to have started badly, but let's be friends Yu-chan,' he said, the name slipping out before he even realised. There was a growl, a swish of the drawn blade and Lavi really didn't wait to see if Lenalee would stop her friend. He ran.


	5. Come rain or shine

**Come rain or shine**

Sometimes, very rarely, Kanda thought back to the two years he had spent with general Tiedoll, Noise Marie and Daisya Barry, travelling between the Asian Branch and the headquarters of the Black Order, taking, Kanda had realised it later, every detour possible. Eventually, he had understood that the sentiment accompanying those memories was melancholy and a bit of longing. Even though back then he hadn't recognised it, the life with those three had actually been quite easy. The conversations about art had been easy to grasp and the relations between the three of them sensible, completely unlike the mess that ruled the headquarters, as Kanda had quickly found out.

Not that he had loads of time to spend in the headquarters, he thought, somewhat bitterly. For all the "trying" Komui had said he would do, at least according to the whispered conversations between Tiedoll and Marie, he hadn't kept Kanda away from missions at all and Kanda wasn't sure what he thought about it. Then again, he was, quite literally, made to fight demons, so he supposed it was the way it should be and he should not complain. He didn't complain even once.

After bringing him and Daisya to the headquarters, Tiedoll had gone so fast that he hadn't even seen Kanda sent to the first mission, which Kanda supposed was part of Komui's plan. Thankfully, Daisya had always been there for the first two years and, often enough, Marie. After the two years they had spent together, travelling with the general, he knew he could come with any question and they wouldn't laugh. Grudgingly, he had regularly visited with questions, because there had been so many things he hadn't known and nobody else to ask.

Or rather, he had learnt very fast to not ask anything to anybody, to avoid the incredulous looks or bursts of laughter. If there was something he didn't understand, he would just grit his teeth and, if somebody looked like they were amused, scowl at them and, sometimes, draw Mugen. The latter especially silenced everybody, even more so after he had used the unactivated blade on a couple of Finders who thought it funny that Kanda didn't know what a "date" was. Most of the people got the message fast enough and nobody approached him, with the exception of Lenalee, Komui's sister, and that annoying red-head who had arrived to the headquarters a bit less than one year after Kanda.

Everybody adored Lenalee and Kanda instinctively knew that it would be dangerous to not act civil towards her. Consequently, he tolerated her presence and her pointless efforts in making him join conversations. As for Lavi the red-head, Daisya liked him, so Kanda had suffered through his presence during the one year that both Daisya and Lavi had been training in the headquarters together and setting the place on fire, once even literally. Afterwards, missions had started for those two as well. At one time two months had passed without him meeting either. Ultimately, even Lenalee started going on missions, when Komui could no longer protect her and when all the other exorcists were unavailable.

Eventually, he had realised with some shock, he had learnt to appreciate the company of the other teenagers. God forbid he let them know that, but secretly, he enjoyed the moments in between the missions and bloodshed, especially once he had started understanding enough to follow a conversation without getting confused about what they were saying.

Why am I thinking about it? He asked himself, shaking his head to clear the thoughts, because he really couldn't afford to get distracted. Even that motion provoked a sharp sting of pain, as it pulled on the muscles on his shoulder, currently torn open and bleeding from a hit of a demon.

He stifled a hiss of pain, but the motion got Lavi's attention. Why the hell did Kanda have to be paired with Lavi for that mission? Why couldn't he have gone with Daisya or Marie? He hated to go on missions with other people, because he worked best alone, with nobody to slow him down, however, Daisya or Marie he could accept.

'Are you alright, Yu?' Lavi the Bookman Junior asked worriedly, turning to him from where he was on the lookout for any possible danger.

'If you think I'm too injured to gut you, think again,' Kanda growled, putting all his anger at the situation into his voice. 'Don't call me by my first name, how often am I going to have to repeat it?' he added, gripping Mugen's hilt. Thankfully the wound was on his left shoulder. Lavi raised his hands in surrender, though Kanda already knew better than to put any meaning to that gesture.

'But it's such a cute name,' Lavi said and Kanda fought to not lash out. He knew that he didn't need to lose any more blood. They could be attacked any moment and if he could heal before that, it would be good. Besides, he didn't trust himself to control his actions well enough and Lavi was no Alma, he would not regenerate from whatever damage Kanda would cause.

He winced, closing his eyes, at the memory of the other boy, the other weapon. He really didn't need to think about it, especially not at that particular moment, not when he was not alone. Seeing the damned illusions of lotus flowers just about everywhere he went and repeating to himself that they were just that, an illusion, was enough. He didn't need to be haunted by the ghost of the one he had so brutally murdered. It was only to save Marie, he excused himself in his thoughts.

'That's it, let me bandage that wound,' Lavi said, obviously misunderstanding Kanda's wince. The feeling of hands trying to open the jacket of his uniform made him snap his eyes open and slap the offending appendages away.

'Don't touch me, you stupid rabbit,' he hissed, glaring at the worried red-head. 'It's half healed anyway,' he added in a calmer tone and it was not a lie. He saw the annoying red-head open his mouth to protest, but a demon chose that moment to make appearance and what left Lavi's mouth was a string of curses.

Kanda didn't waste his breath. He activated Mugen, hissing slightly as the motion pulled on the half-healed wound, and charged without a second of hesitation. Behind him, Lavi readied his weapon and charged as well. There were enough enemies to keep them both occupied for a long while, but at least they had managed to get through the blockage and had gotten the Innocence fragment, hidden in the abandoned building.

Barely keeping on his feet, Kanda watched Lavi take the shining cube out of a small chest. A part of him wanted to destroy it, cut it into pieces so tiny that nobody would ever be able to put it together. He couldn't do it. Komui would kill him, not literally though, since that was pretty much impossible.

Scowling at his thoughts, Kanda leaned against the wall that was behind him and closed his eyes, focusing on calming his breathing. The braided thread usually holding up his hair was gone and he winced at the feeling of his long hair clinging to his sweaty skin. Why didn't he cut it? It only got in the way, but somehow he found himself keeping it long.

He heard Lavi come up to him, limping slightly, and slide down the wall slowly. Now that he thought about it, it seemed like a good idea, so Kanda also sat down, pulling his golem out to call their Finder-keepers.

'It's funny how they think we're old enough to fight, but they don't trust us to get home alone,' Lavi laughed somewhat tiredly when Kanda had finished the call. He scoffed in reply. 'I hope they will be here soon, maybe we could even make it to an inn before nightfall,' he added. Kanda said nothing and they sat in silence for a long while, before Lavi spoke up again. Trust that annoying rabbit to not be able to keep quiet, Kanda thought.

'What would you say to that?' Lavi asked, his tone still cheerful even in his obvious worn-out state. 'It would be nice to sleep in a bed.'

'It would be nice if you shut up,' Kanda growled, knowing from experience that Lavi could go on babbling for a long time.

'That's not nice, Yu,' Lavi laughed and continued, completely ignoring Kanda's growled "don't call me that". 'You know, I'm only trying to have a conversation. I'm sure you know what it is by now and how to have one, you must have seen Daisya do it,' he added in a mocking tone. Kanda stiffened. Was this a jibe at what he thought it was? He knew that Lavi had overheard a couple of conversations, oh irony, Kanda had had with Daisya. He gritted his teeth, remembering just how much he hated to feel stupid.

'Sorry,' Lavi whispered after a moment of silence. 'That was uncalled for.'

'Why are you trying to be friendly, Bookman Junior?' Kanda asked quietly, ignoring Lavi's apology, because he didn't quite forgive him. Besides, he wanted to know because he had finally asked Marie about Bookmen not long before he and Lavi had left for the mission. The red-head twitched, but didn't answer for so long that Kanda lost hope he would. He closed his eyes, hoping that the Finders would get to them soon.

'Don't you like it?' Lavi asked back finally, sounding weirdly vulnerable.

'I don't care,' Kanda replied coldly. 'But I've been told that Bookmen don't care,' he explained, to motivate his previous question.

'Well I do,' Lavi said finally. 'I guess I shouldn't but I'd really have to be made of stone to not care for those who risk their lives alongside me,' he added, as though he was trying to explain himself.

'I don't care,' Kanda mumbled, wishing that he was made of stone. The red-head obviously heard and laughed.

'Keep telling yourself that,' he said cheerfully. 'And oh, by the way, happy birthday, Yu,' he added. Kanda was too tired to even open his eyes, much less threaten the other teen.

'Whatever,' he muttered. He wasn't even going to acknowledge the anniversary of his "birth". First of all, there was nothing to celebrate. Second, he didn't appreciate the celebrations.

That was partly why he had asked for that mission and everybody knew that. Lenalee had been outraged, but even the risk of her tears was not going to change his mind. His first birthday had been somewhat agreeable, if terribly confusing, however, all the others had been just getting worse and worse as time went by. Last year, when he turned fifteen, it had been the most embarrassing day of his life and he was not risking the repeat, no matter the price.


	6. In your garden of weeping

**In your garden of weeping**

Watching Kanda and the new kid Allen spar on the large arena, Lavi wondered, not for the first time, if it had been the Order's twisted sense of humour that made Kanda like that. Not only had they chosen to give their weapon a human body, while not teaching him anything about being human, but what a body had they given him!

The fact that they had made him look Japanese when Japan was the country of the Millennium Earl was just the small part of the "problem", but it was disturbing. He liked how Kanda's official file made him descendant of immigrants, but that wasn't what he was thinking about right now. No, it was the fact that Kanda was just tall enough and lean, well built. Admittedly, the latter was probably due to his genetics as much as to the endless hours of training that the exorcist pushed himself through day by day.

Lavi realised that he shouldn't be thinking those things and should definitely not be watching with this amount of attention as the "Japanese" danced around Allen gracefully, landing a blow after blow despite Allen's attempts at blocking them. He shouldn't be looking at the flawless skin, exposed in the sleeveless, tight turtleneck that Kanda was wearing, unscarred because it could never scar permanently, no matter the number of nasty injuries the exorcist sustained.

He should definitely not be thinking about the perfect face, usually twisted in a scowl when directed at him or the dark eyes that would have been breath-taking if not for the anger and hate they seemed to permanently hold. He shouldn't be thinking about the exquisite, black hair, which every woman would kill for, now flowing behind Kanda, loose from its usual ponytail. Was it as soft to touch as it looked? Lavi knew he shouldn't want to know.

The Order sure made their toy pretty, he thought. To what end? Looks did nothing in terms defending against the demons or fighting. A beautiful person stood out, getting unneeded attention, which could be a possible risk. He had seen it on a mission on two, eyes turning as the young "Japanese" passed, trailing him and, surely, remembering him.

Lavi was sure that, since the moment Kanda had reached sixteen or seventeen years of age and didn't look so incriminatingly young, every person in the building had fantasised about the aloof Second at least once. The only one whom Lavi thought might not have fantasised about Kanda yet was Allen, but that was a matter of time. After all, the white-haired teen had just arrived a month ago: he needed to bottle up enough hate to fuel the fantasies.

The same went for Lenalee whom, he knew for a fact, had harboured feelings for the "Japanese" teenager for quite a while, before giving up on the idea and making Kanda her friend. She was also an object of secret adoration from many of the employees of the Order. The huge difference between Lenalee and Kanda was that, while Lenalee skilfully exploited the affections she received, Kanda was entirely oblivious to those things. The Bookman's apprentice was more than sure of that. If the fact that he never noticed the looks he was getting was not enough, it would be simple deduction that had led Lavi to that conclusion. When Kanda was in the Asian Branch, looking ten or eleven, he was far too young to be educated in those matters, not that Lavi thought the Order would mention anything. Afterwards, Lavi was sure that Tiedoll avoided the topics. Finally, since he had arrived to the headquarters, Kanda had never done anything that wasn't work related.

It made him remember one day, when Lenalee had come up to him, Kanda and Daisya, asking if she looked good and showing off her new mini-skirt, the shortest one so far. It had happened two years after Lavi and the Bookman had joined the Order. Daisya had blushed furiously, like a teenager should, and stuttered something about her looking awesome. Lavi had forced a blush as well, to not raise any suspicions, and grinned in a way he hoped had answered enough. Kanda had looked Lenalee up and down, not even the smallest flicker of emotion on his face, and had asked her if something had changed, because she looked the same as always. Lavi had thought that he and Daisya would never stop laughing, whether it was at the incredulous look on Lenalee's face or at Kanda's honest confusion and, moments later, anger at their outburst.

That had been just one of those moments that hinted on Kanda's complete and endearing innocence in the matters of intimate relations. A part of Lavi wanted to preserve that innocence and protect the other man from the ogling wolves that lurked everywhere. Even in the Order, the organisation working in the name of God, even in that precise moment, the Bookman's apprentice could see a couple of Finders all but drooling, watching the duel, their expressions as obvious as though they had written their thoughts on their foreheads. Disgusting, Lavi thought, even though he couldn't erase the nagging voice of the other part of himself.

That other part, the darker one, wanted to defile Kanda's innocent purity and see what expressions the swordsman would make in the throes of passion. He hated himself for even thinking like that. Some time ago he had realised that it wasn't curiosity driving that desire, but an actual attraction, which he should not feel. It went against everything a Bookman was supposed to be and the fantasies those thoughts provoked went against everything that he considered moral and acceptable. The knowledge that, for all purposes, Kanda should rather be considered barely eight years old, since he was "born" as a ten-year-old, only made it worse. Yet, he wasn't able to completely silence those thoughts, so he told himself that, as long as he never acted upon them, it would be alright.

A scared yelp snapped Lavi out of his thoughts and he realised that the duel was over. Kanda was all but pinning Allen to a wall, Mugen at the white-haired boy's throat. Any other person and Lavi could, and started to, imagine the situation evolving in a completely different direction, however, he snapped out of it again as he heard a strangled moan. Disgusted, he glanced at the Finders, one of whom was obviously to blame for the moan. How could those bastards- Lavi cut the thought short.

By the wall, Kanda was hissing something furiously and Allen looked duly frightened, but there was something else in his expression as well. Something that Lavi could easily identify, because he had just imagined himself being pinned against the wall, that perfect body so close and the thrill of danger as metal pressed against his neck. He gulped at the same moment as Allen did, but Kanda was already moving away, sheathing the blade with a disdainful scowl twisting his face. Allen sagged against the wall, looking thoroughly relieved. He glanced around and, eyes meeting Lavi's, he blushed ever so slightly. Lavi guessed that Kanda had just given the boy enough to fuel his fantasy.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Lavi noticed one of the Finders massaging his head. He wondered what had happened and if he hadn't registered a pained yelp just now, until he saw another occupant of the training hall: Daisya. The Turk tucked away his Charity Ball, which he had probably used to whack the Finder on the head, and sent Lavi a warning glare. Had Lavi's thoughts been so obvious?

Scratch that, Lavi amended his previous thoughts, Daisya and Marie probably never thought about Kanda in that way and never would. Those two treated Kanda like a little brother and, not once, Lavi had seen Daisya threatening a Finder. It had taken him a while to realise what prompted those threats, but eventually it became clear that Daisya was discouraging them from trying anything with Kanda. As though the swordsman's own cold and untouchable demeanour and the ever present anger were not enough to keep everybody at bay, Lavi thought with a mental snort.

Calling up all of his future-Bookman's control, that really shouldn't have slipped like that just moments ago, Lavi grinned at Daisya and jumped off the box on which he was sitting. He chuckled at the situation, marvelling at how humans liked to complicate their lives with their intricate relations. It was good that, as a future Bookman, he didn't need to bother with any of that.

He ignored the small voice in the corner of his mind, asking him who he was trying to lie to. The observation of the Second exorcist had certainly gotten out of hand, he thought, making sure to not look at the "Japanese" while he asked Allen if the white-head was up for another duel. After all, he needed an excuse to be there or Daisya would have a couple of words with him as well, regardless of their friendship.


	7. Still you keep on seeking

**Still you keep on seeking**

The mission had been both annoying and easy: easy, because there had been no demons; annoying because there had been no Innocence. Why Komui had sent the two of them was incomprehensible, and but Kanda supposed the Finders' panicked report had loads to do with it.

He scowled at the reminder of the two useless men. Why were they even Finders? They hadn't even realised that the place was Innocence-free and had panicked at the information of a number of sudden deaths. They hadn't had it in them to check whether those deaths had left discarded clothes, no Kanda and Daisya had found bodies, probably poisoned.

Kanda forced his thoughts to turn towards their imminent return to the Order. He had just finished meditating and he didn't really need to get worked up again, because fatigue had finally caught up with him. They had travelled the whole day and set to investigate immediately that evening, only to immediately realise that there was no Innocence involved. Before he had left to meditate in the forest, he had heard Daisya order the Finders to get them a room in a decent inn, because they were not moving their asses to travel the whole night and sleep in a train, if there even was one.

Entering the inn, he scowled at the Finders sitting with some locals and enjoying beer and stories. He went up to them, making his presence and displeasure known, and asked which room he and Daisya had. Inexplicably, one of the Finders looked scared, while the other smiled in a cruel kind of way.

'The last one in the corridor to the left,' the latter said, something in his tone making Kanda frown. The other Finder, the one with a scared look, glanced between his companion and Kanda.

'But you-' he started but was silenced by the smiling one, who said that everything was fine and, hopefully, the room was to his liking. Confused about their behaviour, he scowled and left the dining room.

Finding the stairs up wasn't a problem and neither was getting to the room mentioned by the Finder. However, hearing a breathless gasp from within, he drew Mugen. Better paranoid than dead, he thought, ignoring the persistent voice that mocked him for never managing to stay dead.

Opening the door without hesitation, Mugen ready to strike, he was met with a situation he hadn't expected and couldn't have dreamt up even in his wildest nightmares. Daisya was laying on one of the beds, ostensibly naked, with an equally completely naked woman sitting on top of him. Whatever was the activity that Kanda had disturbed, and he really couldn't think of anything that required stripping of all the clothes, with the possible exception of taking a shower, which they were definitely not doing, they were frozen, both looking at him with the panicked sort of expressions.

It lasted a couple of seconds and then the woman squeaked in a way that reminded Kanda of Lenalee when he had caught her looking at a picture she didn't want to show him. It was silly, because the woman here was obviously not hiding anything, quite literally, so why would she be surprised or worried? She jumped off Daisya, a bright blush radiating from her face as she started to get dressed, her hands shaking. The Turk, in the meantime, seemed to have gotten over his own panic pretty fast and laughed shortly, pulling up the pants that had been discarded next to the bed and sitting up with a silly grin.

Seeing no immediate danger, Kanda sheathed Mugen and relaxed. He looked at the woman again, without much interest watching how she got dressed. She shot him an angry glare, so maybe watching was not appropriate, he thought and turned to Daisya.

'I didn't expect you to be done with your meditation so fast,' Daisya said, amusement clear in his voice. 'This is certainly rather awkward,' he added, not really looking that troubled. Privately, Kanda agreed: a naked woman in one's bedroom was certainly awkward. However, Daisya didn't seem to mind before Kanda had entered, as far as he could tell.

'Well, if your room mate is back,' the now-dressed woman started, making both exorcists turn to her. She was blushing and looking at Daisya with a hungry sort of expression. Kanda had seen this kind of expressions before, often directed at him, but he didn't know what they meant, so he had always ignored them. 'We can try to continue in my place, don't you think? It's not far from here,' the woman continued, something weird in her tone. Daisya smiled at her, the look in his eyes also somewhat hungry, but he shook his head.

'I really shouldn't,' he said, trying to sound sorry, but even Kanda could see that he wasn't really worried to have been disturbed in whatever it was they were doing. The woman scowled and opened her mouth, but closed it as she glanced at Kanda. Her eyes narrowed.

'I see,' she muttered, somewhere between disappointed and angry. Couldn't she decide on her feelings? 'I was only a pastime till the real interest arrived? Well I hope you can't get it up again, you bastard,' she said hatefully and stormed out of the room while Daisya laughed after a moment of surprise.

Kanda blinked, trying to make sense of the situation. That was why he avoided contacts with people, especially outside work-related situations, he thought with a mental scowl. People didn't make sense half of the times and the other half he didn't like the sense they were making and he had enough of that in the Order.

'What was all that about?' he asked when he was sure that the woman was gone. To his surprise, Daisya blushed, walking up to the door and locking it, all the while avoiding his questioning gaze.

'I guess sooner or later somebody has to tell you those things, eh?' the Turk asked finally, with a sigh. Kanda looked at him patiently, waiting for him to talk, rather than dance around the subject. He didn't like dancing around subjects, but Daisya had been of great help throughout the years so the least Kanda could do for him was show some patience.

'Say Kanda, you wouldn't know about sex, would you?' the Turk asked finally. There was a certain quality to his voice that made Kanda think back to his tone when they had talked, or rather Daisya had talked about football, all those years ago.

'If it's anything like football then I don't want to know,' slipped past his lips before he could control it. Daisya laughed shortly and Kanda had to remind himself why he was suffering through the other man's presence.

'It's so much better than football,' the Turk announced.

'I thought you considered football the best thing in the world,' Kanda muttered, waiting for the other to continue and tell him all about "sex", as he knew Daisya would inevitably do.

When the Turk finally started talking, Kanda very quickly wished that he had spent the whole night meditating and had never disturbed his team mate. He could feel the furious blush on his cheeks and he was grateful it was only Daisya explaining because the rest of the Order was not supposed to know that he could even blush. Then again, it was the least of his worries, next to trying to erase the mental images Daisya's words provoked before they scarred him for life.

'Of course, two guys can do that together as well, although it's frowned upon by the church,' Daisya finished and Kanda looked at him in horror, before snapping his hands to cover his ears.

'I don't want to hear that,' he exclaimed when Daisya opened his mouth again. The Turk looked surprised and then smiled.

'Can't tell you much, since I have no experience in that,' he said neutrally and Kanda relaxed a bit. 'But I thought you should know, since-' he stopped abruptly.

'Since what?' Kanda demanded. However, it seemed that his brain would provide the answer itself. Unbidden came the memories of hungry glances shot his way randomly, the glances so similar to the way that woman had looked at Daisya just moments ago.

He shuddered, hand reaching to Mugen's hilt. The next person to touch him was going to find their hands cut clean of, he promised himself. Well, unless it was Daisya, he amended when a hand fell on his shoulder.

'Don't worry, everybody's too afraid to try anything,' his team mate said, a hard edge to his tone. 'Against your will that is,' he amended. Kanda was going to say that there never would be any other case, but Daisya said they should sleep before the trip back and, grateful to have an excuse to not discuss the topic anymore, Kanda agreed with a curt nod.


	8. Your tears are not mine

**Sorry for the delay! I got excited about a new (DGM) story that I started writing and for a while I was doing nothing but that. However! I will not abandon this story! Here comes the next chapter.**

**Enjoy and review ;)  
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**Your tears are not mine**

Kanda was heavily wounded. He had a hole through his chest, literally, and Lavi was at loss, panicking over the spilling blood and wheezing, shallow breathing. How did one dress a freaking hole? He moved to rip his shirt apart, to make bandages. Everything they had, they had already used to dress other, more minor injuries, what a stupid waste that had been!

'Don't,' Kanda gasped, the weak voice making Lavi freeze. A trickle of blood appeared in the corner of Kanda's mouth and cold fear seized Lavi's heart. Why was he experiencing a heart? 'Even if I die, I'll just come back,' Kanda added, his tone filled with the agonising pain he must have been feeling. Lavi watched him do just that. The dark eyes glazed over as more blood trickled out the corner of his mouth and the shallow, pained breathing stilled. Lavi almost screamed, almost. Instead a pathetic whimper left his lips. This couldn't be happening, his mind rebelled. It took all of his Bookman training to remain somewhat composed, even though his heart raced and he was almost choking on his own breaths.

The silence that engulfed them was deafening and Lavi spared a brief thought, thanking Kanda for taking out the last demon even in that state, so that they didn't need to worry anymore. Not that Lavi thought he didn't need to worry, the rational, cold part of his brain amended, while the other part was trying to prevent a full scale panic attack, faced with the actual death of his friend, however brief it might be. His heart told him that when people died it was forever.

Then, before Lavi had time to truly gather himself, even though exactly five hundred forty seconds had passed, Kanda gasped, his back arching off the ground. His face twisted in a pain-filled grimace. As his back landed back on the ground, his shallow breathing restarted, small moans of pain escaping the slightly parted lips. Seconds later, the first wave of pain seemed to have passed, because Kanda's face smoothed out somewhat and the dark eyes opened, alive but filled with agony still.

Lavi found it difficult to watch, but he owed the other exorcist at least that much, so he didn't look away when Kanda's gaze found his, blinking rapidly as inexplicable tears welled up in his only functioning eye. After all, Kanda had taken the shot for him. He had spent years, literally years, studying the other teenager like a specimen while pretending to be a friend and now the other had saved his life. He felt horrible, rotten to the core, but there was nothing he could do to change the past.

'We need-' Kanda started but a loud gasp of pain interrupted whatever he wanted to say. Lavi saw the perfect face twist in another grimace of pain and his heart, which he was not supposed to have, bled. He held the other back when Kanda tried to sit up, when he shouldn't even be conscious. Damned be those regeneration capabilities, keeping the swordsman conscious through such pain.

'Shh, let me do the talking, Yu,' Lavi whispered in what he hoped was a comforting tone. When had he even started caring about the Second? When had he started calling the, the thing in front of him "Yu" or "Kanda", rather than "the Second"? It didn't matter at that moment, because Yu was in pain and Lavi needed something to calm him down, to let him pass out and spare him the pain.

'No time,' Kanda gasped, biting back a scream of pain as his back arched off the ground. Lavi screwed his eyes shut and waited till he heard Kanda fall back onto the floor. He felt sick, but he made sure that it wasn't audible in his voice when he spoke up again.

'We've got all the time in the world, Yu, while your body's trying to close that hole in your chest,' he said, laying down on his side, next to the other teenager. He propped his head on one hand, resting the other across Kanda's chest. It was a statement of Kanda's state when the mere weight of Lavi's hand was enough to keep the swordsman on the ground. 'And I've been thinking. I've read your file, so it's only fair that I tell you something about myself, don't you think?' he added, inventing the topic on the spot. He mentally kicked himself but it was too late.

His only answer were pain filled, wheezing breathes, but as he looked down, he saw Kanda looking at him. The dark eyes of the Japanese exorcist were clouded with pain and not exactly focused, but he could still see the unspoken question in them.

'That's right, I read Kanda's fake file, but I also read that of "Yu",' Lavi admitted, finding himself unable to lie to the other in the way he was right then. Kanda's eyes screwed shut when his face twisted with pain, gasps escaping those perfect lips. When those amazing eyes opened again, there was a different kind of pain in them and Lavi felt horrible for invading the other's privacy like that.

Since when did he even care? He had read the files of the Second Exorcist Project as though they had been a fascinating novel and now, faced with the only Second alive, he was having a guilty conscience? What kind of Bookman was he?

'So I thought,' he continued, ignoring his thoughts and realising that he honestly wanted Kanda to know something about him. 'I could tell you about my parents, about home, even though I don't know where it was.'

'How,' Kanda gasped, the rest of the question cut off by a pained groan. Lavi was impressed that the man seemed to want to listen, but maybe he was just using Lavi's voice as distraction from the pain. Yeah, that had to be it, he thought, because any other explanation was too scary. The idea that Yu wanted to know about him provoked a tingle of warmth inside, even in those horrible circumstances.

'How come I don't know where home was?' Lavi asked, guessing what the question would be, again ignoring his thoughts. Kanda nodded almost imperceptibly and Lavi looked away, smiling slightly and well aware that it was a real smile, rather than his usually fake, cheery grin. 'I was very small, too small to call it anything else than "home" and that is how it stayed. In a way it's better, because I have this place that doesn't exist, so it cannot be destroyed in any of the wars I am recording.'

He glanced down to see that Kanda had closed his eyes. He didn't look any more peaceful though, face still twisted into an expression of pain. However, Lavi thought that his breathing sounded a bit better, so maybe he was really healing alright.

That thought firmly in his head, he recalled the peaceful memories of home and dressed them in words to the best of his abilities. Even though he was sure there were no words to describe the warmth of a mother's embrace and the feeling of security that came with a caring father, it seemed to work. Kanda's breathing and heartbeat calmed somewhat.

Watching the perfect face, still bearing the signs of pain, Lavi continued talking about the memories he remembered, about the emotions that accompanied meals he had shared with his parents and about the joy of playing with other kids. Those simple moments, he thought, were his most precious treasure in the world where nothing could belong to him, because the Bookmen were not supposed to get attached to anything.

Sometime during his story, Kanda's breathing and heartbeat returned to normal and Lavi allowed himself a satisfied smile that died, however, when a single tear trailed down from Kanda's closed eye. The Bookman's apprentice chocked on the word he was saying, but the swordsman's muscles relaxed, signalling that he had either fallen asleep or unconscious.

Moving as carefully as he could, Lavi lifted his hand from Kanda's chest and sat up to check on the wound. As he had expected, the skin over it was regenerated, protecting the insides as the body repaired itself. Still careful to not wake Kanda, even though he didn't think it would be possible, Lavi checked for fever and other possible injuries of both of them, all the while trying not to think about his childhood memories.

Finally, he carefully wiped the tear from Kanda's face, thinking that Yu had never known those feelings. He had never experienced family and warmth, not in the way any child should at least. Would he miss it now that Lavi had told him about it? Had Lavi been cruel in his choice of topic? Poor thing, he thought, resting back on the ground, close to Kanda. Lavi wouldn't have given those memories up for anything, even from his current perspective, even with the pain they brought.

Because he had, in the end, lied to Kanda. The nameless village where he had lived as a child had been razed to the ground years ago and he was the only survivor, lucky or cursed enough to be in the basement at the moment of the attack. That was how he had met the Bookman.

He didn't try to stop the tears falling from his eyes. It was alright, because there were no witnesses and he could let Kanda's breathing lull him to sleep, reminding him that he had found new reasons to live since those horrible moments of his childhood.


	9. I don't care if I die

**I don't care if I die**

The deceptively beautiful day was slowly finishing. The whole day, sun had been shining and there had been just enough of fresh breeze to make the weather pleasant. The blinding blue of the sky was difficult to look at, so he was glad to have an excuse to focus on the plants in front of him, as he carefully weeded the flowerbed.

He had been there the whole day, sneaking out way before dawn to avoid discovery. It wasn't that he was ashamed of going to the garden or anything. In any case, everybody knew that he was caring for this particular part of the Order's garden. He had been doing so almost since his arrival. No, he wanted to leave the building unnoticed so that nobody would follow him and pester him with their problems or questions or planning.

After all, he had chosen this part of garden, because it was secluded, placed close to the border of the Order's grounds and invisible from any room or roof of the building. What was more, the thick bushes hid most of it from the view of a casual passer-by, and so he could hope to go on for hours undiscovered and undisturbed. Not that anybody would go looking for him on that particular day, he thought darkly. Everybody was too busy getting ready for the battle they would fight the following day.

He was ready.

He had found "that person", even though it hadn't gone quite like he had expected. Now, "that person", Alma, was long gone and had hopefully found his peace beyond the land of living. Thinking back to the horrible fight hurt, so he didn't, instead imagining how things could have been: a different, happier kind of future. He hated doing that normally, knowing that wishing for a different future changed nothing and only brought pain. However, on the eve of the last battle of his life, he thought he could indulge himself just a little.

The indulgence lasted until his eyes landed on the Turkish evergreen that he had planted years ago, having brought a tiny sprout from a mission in Turkey. He sat back on the grass, remembering how Daisya had laughed at him for being secretly sentimental, when Kanda had planted the evergreen's sprout next to flowers that had come from Austria, but Kanda knew better. The Turk had appreciated the gesture, which said all that Kanda would never voice. In a way, Kanda was glad that Daisya had known this before he had died. It made the weight of his death lighter.

Overall, the garden was full of this kind of hidden hints, composed thoughtfully into the general layout, their meaning only for him to see. Most of those whom he had memorised in that way had seen the garden at some point, but they had never noticed and Kanda was grateful. They didn't need to know that he had appreciated their company and he didn't need them to show their gratitude. After all, he lived only to die and he was just a passer-by in their lives. He didn't need to make them suffer any more than absolutely necessary.

He shook his head, willing the ponderings away, knowing that he didn't need this kind of thoughts the day before such an important battle. He needed to be focused and on the top of his game, not broody and thoughtful.

He was about to go to work on another part of the garden, when the sound of footsteps alerted him to somebody's presence and he cursed his luck and their persistence. Even on such a day they wouldn't let him alone? He glared at the red hair that had flashed between the bushes surrounding "his" little garden and opened his mouth to comment when the intruder appeared in the small entrance, but the harsh words died on his lips as he took in the figure.

Lavi was carrying a tiny tree, little more than a shoot really, holding it as though it was the most precious thing in the world. He wasn't looking at him, but he didn't hesitate coming in and sitting in front of Kanda, putting the tree between them delicately. It didn't take Kanda long to realise that it was a cherry tree and he felt himself freeze at the implications, staring transfixed at the shoot.

Of course, his numb brain supplied, Bookman Junior would have noticed all those plants and flowers, connected their origins or meanings with the ways they had been composed into the garden. He shouldn't have expected anything else from the red-head and yet here he was, staring at the sampling of the cherry tree, completely unprepared to deal with the situation.

'I was thinking that your garden was missing this,' Lavi spoke finally, his voice serious and quiet, void of the usual mocking. Kanda finally tore his eyes from the shoot and looked up at the intruder, surprised to see the whirlwind of emotions in the Bookman Junior's solitary, green eye. He swallowed.

'There's no place for this tree here,' he whispered finally, hating himself for not managing to sound hateful and annoyed. Lavi smiled slightly and got up, picking up the tree and walking away from Kanda.

'I think there's a perfect place for this tree here,' he said, placing the shoot in the middle of the hidden composition. It felt as though Kanda had shown him a map of this place, with explanations to every plant arrangement and distance. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, hating how shaky it sounded. He didn't need any of that now.

'Why are you doing this to me?' he asked in a whisper.

'Because you belong with us, whatever you tell yourself in that silly head of yours,' Lavi replied and Kanda couldn't help looking at him in surprise. That was, of course, what the red-head had meant with the tree, but Kanda hadn't expected him to actually say it out loud. 'And if you're really going to get yourself killed tomorrow, I want you to know it and remember it,' he added.

'Lavi-' Kanda started, but cut himself off, because he didn't trust himself to stay composed. He had to blink rapidly, when he saw the green eye glisten suspiciously, but Lavi looked away then and laughed shortly.

'Now come and help me plant it,' he said in a tone that didn't acknowledge even the possibility of a protest. 'I have never done things like that before and it was quite difficult to get a hold of this, with Japan being kind of inaccessible and all. It would be a crime to waste this shoot and my effort,' he babbled, but his tone lacked the usual Lavi-ness.

'You shouldn't have,' Kanda muttered, but complied nevertheless. Working efficiently, but carefully, he prepared the place where Lavi wanted the tree and then planted it, avoiding looking at or talking to the red-head that was watching him work. When he was done, he went to get some water and, having watered the newest addition to his garden, he looked at it, standing at a small distance.

'Also,' Lavi's voice broke the silence and Kanda turned to see the other standing right next to him. 'Like that we, I will have something to remember you by,' he whispered, coming even closer.

Kanda wanted to move away, but something was stopping him. The only thing he could do was watch how Lavi lifted one hand to place against his cheek gently. He swallowed heavily and looked right into the vibrant, green eye. He had never seen it from this close up.

'May I?' Lavi asked and leaned in closer. Before Kanda could ask what he wanted, warm lips met his lips and his eyes widened. He pushed away weakly.

'Don't,' he whispered, looking away from the hurt in Lavi's eyes. 'You know very well what I am. This tree was enough to indulge you, don't make me feel anymore,' he added. Because I want to die tomorrow, he thought, and it's already more difficult than it should have been.

A hand hooked under his chin and gently but firmly, turned his head so that he was facing Lavi again. There was something in that green eye, an emotion that Kanda hadn't seen for years, and it crumbled Kanda's resolve even before the red-head spoke again.

'Let me do it this once then, if you really plan to die tomorrow,' he said in a broken kind of tone and leaned in for another kiss. Closing his eyes as his tears fell, Kanda didn't move away this time. He allowed the kiss and everything that came afterwards and, later, when they were lying on the grass, looking at the starts on the perfectly clear sky, he thought that it wasn't all that bad.

Maybe Daisya had been right that one time, he thought, but the memory of the dead comrade only made more tears well in his eyes, so he squeezed them shut, refusing to cry anymore. Next to him, Lavi propped himself on his elbow and started playing with Kanda's hair, as if to distract him.

For once, he didn't mind, because maybe this memory, this closeness would give him enough strength to fight. In the end, it didn't matter if he died or not, as long as they would win.

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**Kanda's thoughts about a "different, happier kind of future" had prompted me to start another story, which can be found here: www fanfiction net / s / 9897439 / 1 /**


	10. As long as I can have Yu

**FrenchMacaroni: Thanks! If this wasn't meant to be so centred on Lavi and Kanda I would surely put more Daisya and Marie.**

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**As long as I can have Yu**

The hospital wing was more than busy, but it was to be expected, after such a battle. Defeating the Millennium Earl and his Noah had come at a great price. Just the number of the dead was staggering, even more so, when one took into consideration that only one general had survived and barely. However, the wounded also had to be counted and there was barely a person who came unscratched. Even the science personnel, who were acting as nurses and medics on the spot, were not spared.

All those who could be sent to their rooms were patched up and ordered to take rest. All who could help, despite their injuries, were asked to do so.

Lavi was among neither, with a broken arm and some nasty bruises that made it impossible to move without a gasp of pain. His duel with Road Kamelot had taken a surprisingly physical turn once he coaxed her real form out of the dream. He was even bad enough to be offered one of the regular beds, rather than the makeshift ones that had been spread out in some of the training areas. However, he had declined the offer, wanting to stay with the person he had started to consider as more than a friend just recently.

Kanda was among the ones most heavily wounded and had yet to regain consciousness. It was so different from how Kanda would normally be that it hurt and, looking at his peaceful face, paler than it had the right to be and marred with still-unhealed cuts, Lavi couldn't help but purse his lips, cursing his own stupidity.

Every time he looked at Kanda, he thought back to the battle, wondering if he could have possibly noticed anything sooner. He had been a part of the team charged with the removal of Noah, no surprises there. The team had separated into a number of smaller groups to maximise the chance of finding their targets. He had gone with Kanda and Marie and they had found Wisely, Lulubell, Tykki and Road, as though the Noah had been waiting for them.

Even before Lavi had tackled Road, before anybody had had time to do anything, Kanda had charged at Wisely with frightening rage and had literally tore the Noah apart before anybody fully realised what was happening. However, the splattering body parts, falling on the floor, had woken the other Noah from their trance. Lulubell and Tykki had descended upon Kanda and Marie had had no choice but to engage into the fight, while Lavi had told Road that he was going to be the one entertaining her.

When he had come back from the dream, Marie was a bleeding heap in the corner and Kanda was barely holding his ground against the two remaining Noah. Thankfully, the Fourteenth had chosen that moment to appear, announcing that the Earl had been defeated. Lavi would forever remember the hate-filled expression on the face that used to be Allen's, when the unnatural, golden eyes had glared at him. For a moment he had feared that the Fourteenth would fight against them, until he had realised that Allen had really been feeling something for Road.

What had happened after was a blur of motions that had ended with Kanda decapitating Tykki and pointing his Mugen at the Fourteenth, who had vanquished Lulubell in the meantime.

Maybe the fine trembling of the shining blade should have tipped Lavi off, but it hadn't. He had been too shocked or too tired, only thinking about the enormous job ahead of them and his own injuries.

As Allen had wanted and he had promised, Kanda had killed the unresisting Fourteenth. They had put the body next to Road's and had incinerated them both, doing the same with Tykki and Lulubell afterwards, to make sure they were dead. Then some people from the science department had picked Marie up and Lavi had urged Kanda to follow and get rid of some demons at least, ignoring Kanda's bleeding wounds because he knew they would heal.

Only they hadn't.

They had found more demons and Lavi had gotten more bruises but Kanda had been fighting like always: fearsome and vicious, until he had collapsed suddenly. Initially, Lavi had thought that it was from the wound on his thigh, but when Kanda hadn't gotten up, Lavi had gotten worried. When he had realised that the other was unconscious and not waking up immediately, Lavi had finally called for help and it had been almost too late.

How could he have not realised that something was wrong?

'You should rest as well,' said a serious voice, snapping him out of his memories. He glanced at Bak who, despite the wounds he had sustained during the battle, had insisted on helping and had been charged with the care of some patients.

'Look who's talking,' Lavi muttered, looking away from the scientist.

'I'm much better than you and I take my rest in between helping those whom I can help. You have been sitting here since you woke up, isn't that correct? When have you last eaten properly?' Bak asked, as he checked Kanda's pulse and breathing. 'It'll do Kanda no good if you exhaust yourself, no matter what has happened between the two of you,' he added and Lavi looked further away to hide his blush.

'Fine, fine, don't lecture me,' he complained. 'I just don't want him to be alone when he wakes up for the first time, because I know he'll get some stupid ideas into his thick head,' he explained and, when Bak didn't answer, looked up at the scientist. Bak was checking the dressings of Kanda's wounds with lips pressed tightly shut, almost twisted into a pained grimace.

'I'll send Lenalee over with the dinner if you want,' he said after what seemed like an eternity of heavy silence. Lenalee, as the host of the Heart, had not been allowed to fight at all and was thus one of the very few unharmed. To make up, she worked herself half to death, helping with just about everything that had to be done in the Order. However, she hadn't once come to visit Kanda.

'That might not be a good idea,' Lavi muttered. 'Yu had killed Allen, the Fourteenth, after all,' he added and shook his head and spoke louder. 'Did you figure out how he ended up like that?' he asked, nodding towards Kanda. Bak sighed and sat on the only other chair in the room.

Lavi looked at him more carefully, noticing the fatigue and the worry. Was it bad news? He didn't want to hear any bad news really. He had enough of bad news every time he looked at Kanda and the swordsman remained stubbornly unconscious, the many, deep gashes on his torso and thigh still unhealed. Hell, even the cuts on his arms and face were barely scabbing and it had been days.

'Marie just woke up and I talked with him. The last thing he remembers, before he blacked out from blood loss, was Kanda going up to the sixth illusion to keep up with the two Noah at once,' he informed Lavi sombrely. 'My guess is that he transferred too much of his life force then and afterwards, to kill the Fourteenth.'

'Idiot,' Lavi muttered, not sure if he meant Kanda for pushing too far or himself for not noticing and letting the other one fight with such grave injuries.

'Well, if it's any consolation, the transfusion of your blood seemed to have helped in stabilising him,' Bak said, adjusting something in Kanda's IV. 'I think by now it's safe to say that there will be no heart failures like the other one,' he added. Lavi was grateful. He didn't even want to remember the moment when, a day after the battle, Kanda's heart had stopped beating and this time they had known it would not restart on its own. It had been the longest three minutes of his life, watching the scientists struggle to bring Kanda back one more time.

What if he didn't want to come back? The thought echoed in Lavi's head, but he chased it away with desperate fury. He knew that Kanda didn't want to live, but he wasn't even going to consider the option, he simply wasn't. To imagine the life without Kanda was simply too painful.

'At least I could do something,' he said dejectedly. He wished he had studied more medicine and could be of any help. Bak's hand on his shoulder was a reassuring weight, telling Lavi that he wasn't alone and wouldn't be, no matter what happened. It was a small consolation, but a consolation nevertheless. He allowed the man to check up on his injuries as well and acknowledged the comment that everything was going well with a nod. It wasn't himself that he was worried about.

'I will send somebody with food,' the scientist said, stopping in the doorway to look back at him. Lavi only nodded again and, with that, he was left again, with only Kanda's slow breathing to keep him company. He thought back to the night before the battle. Lavi, the 49th persona of Bookman Junior had never had sex before and it had felt good. He wished that he could say "in your face" to Daisya. He wished Allen was there to tease him about his crush on the heartless "Japanese". This war had taken too many already, he thought, remembering the shock of seeing Crowley's corpse.

'Damn it, Yu, don't die on me,' he whispered, letting his fingers gently caress the pale face of the man on the bed. 'Not now when I have finally found a reason to live,' he added and clenched his teeth, realising what he had just said.

He wasn't supposed to need any reason to live other than recording the history. He wasn't supposed to get attached and he definitely wasn't supposed to mourn his deceased comrades. Such a failure he was, he thought. Deciding to forgo the last pretences of being an impartial Bookman Junior, he grabbed Kanda's hand in his and pressed his lips against it.

'Do you hear me, you stubborn idiot? I'm waiting here for you so you better get your act together and come back, this one last time,' he said quietly, blinking rapidly in hopes to dispel the tears welling in his eye.

He ignored the opening door, knowing that he would need to acknowledge the food sooner or later. Truth was, he was getting hungry, so it was just as well that Bak arranged something so that he didn't need to leave the room. A part of him felt as though Kanda would die if he left.

'Junior,' said the Bookman in a tone that made a chill run down Lavi's spine. That tone and the name Bookman had used could only mean one thing. Lavi squeezed his eye shut, holding Kanda's hand tighter. 'The war is over and while you have been lazing around here, I have finished all the logs. It's time to leave.'


	11. By my side

**By my side**

Something was hurting. Actually, everything was hurting. The pain was calling him and it felt so familiar that he followed. The pain intensified and he thought he heard a gasp and then a familiar voice calling his name. Where-

The smell of the hospital wing invaded his nostrils in the same moment as the pain peaked, forcing a strangled cry out of his lips. Was that previous gasp his also? Why was he in the hospital wing? Why was it hurting so damn much?

He willed his eyes to open, but everything was blurred. Was there somebody leaning over him? What had happened? He tried to sit up, but the intense pain stopped him and forced him to bite back another scream. Whoever was leaning over him probably put a hand on his shoulder, as thought he was in any state to get up. But it was expected of him, so, gritting his teeth, he tried again and the hand put more pressure against his shoulder.

'Don't move Kanda,' said the same voice that had called his name before. Through the pain, he searched for the voice's owner, trying to blink his vision into focus.

'Bak-' he tried to speak and found his voice hoarse almost beyond recognition. He tried to swallow, but his mouth was perched.

'Drink some water,' Bak said softly and Kanda felt a cool, glass container pressed against his lips. Gratefully, he drank, trying to figure out why he was so weak and why Bak Chang was in the hospital wing. The last thing he remembered-

He forced himself to not think about that night in the garden, afraid that he would blush. Kanda Yu didn't blush and just because he was thoroughly miserable right now, he wasn't going to change that. Why, however, would that night- Wait, the battle had already happened.

'I guess you'll be wanting some news,' Bak spoke again and Kanda turned his head to look at him, organising some things on a small table by the wall. A violent chill went down his spine when he realised something: they had won the war.

He didn't even hear what Bak was saying, as that thought echoed in his head, louder and louder. They had won the war and he had failed to die. He was not needed anymore and he had failed to die. Of course, had failed to die, even the procedure to kill somebody like him hadn't worked, all those years ago.

With sudden certainty, he knew that Bak was going to do something like that again, now. Lvellie would want it and whatever anybody else thought wouldn't matter and it was the only reason why Bak was here, rather than a nurse, why he was in a private room. And he wanted to die, but not like that. Not like a tool, put away when not needed anymore, he had wanted to die in the battle.

'Kanda?' he vaguely heard. 'Kanda, snap out of it,' Bak all but shouted, shaking him a bit. 'What is wrong with you?' he asked and Kanda realised that he was halfway up. As soon as the realisation hit him, he curled up in pain, whimpering because his abdomen was burning.

'Damn it, Kanda, I know it will be difficult to get used to the new reality, but try to not bleed anymore,' Bak was saying, pushing him back onto the bed gently but firmly and frantically working on bandages that, Kanda realised numbly, covered his whole chest and stomach.

'New reality?' he whispered as the words registered. Bak stopped dead and looked at him, before restarting his work on the bandages, breathing a sigh of relief. 'What new reality?' Kanda demanded, his voice firmer this time. Bak looked at him again before turning to the bandages and speaking up after a moment of silence.

'We don't know what happened, but it seems that your regenerative seal had stopped working,' he said, not looking at him. Kanda stared, the meaning of those words not quite sinking in. 'Personally, I think you have put too much of your life into Mugen, when you were fighting the Noah, but there's no proof and no precedence, obviously, so it's all guesswork. Your healing rate is within human average now, maybe a bit slower, but that could be explained by the strain you've put your body under, after receiving the injuries, and the blood loss that was almost fatal.'

He didn't know what to say. Was Bak saying that he was going to die? But he had said that Kanda was healing, if excruciatingly slowly. Was this his last life then? Was the next death his last one? As Bak's words slowly sank in, Kanda realised that he could not see a single lotus flower. His eyes widened at the realisation. Did that really mean he was only going to die once more? Now that his wish had apparently come true, he found fear mixing with the satisfaction. Dared he test that theory?

'So if I slice-' he started, but trailed off abruptly when Bak glared at him.

'At the first hint that you're seriously considering suicide, I will restrain you,' the scientist promised and Kanda scowled at him, knowing immediately that it was not a bluff.

'Then you might just as well do that now, because I want to die,' he replied venomously, but cringed at the steely determination in Bak's eyes. He could see that the man cared, so why couldn't he understand? 'Why won't you let me die? I don't want to be a test subject again,' he asked, unable to hold the question anymore and unable to hide the desperation from his voice. The determination in Bak's gaze melted into incredulity.

'A test subject? Who said anything about test subjects?' the scientist asked in a hurt tone. Kanda winced, looking away. 'If you really need to know, Lvellie indeed wanted to get you back, but as soon as it became apparent that you lost your regeneration abilities, he lost interest. Not that we would have let him have you. But that's not the reason, why I won't let you die. I promised Lavi to look after you while he was gone.'

The words felt like a punch to the stomach.

'Lavi is gone,' he trailed off, wondering what he was feeling. Disappointment? Hurt? 'Did the stupid rabbit die in battle?' he asked, trying to mask his feelings. No, wait, the war was over so the Bookman would be moving on, taking Lavi with him. He screwed his eyes tightly shut, fisting his hands in powerless rage. He shouldn't have let Lavi-

That night he had honestly thought he was going to die in the battle, so it had felt alright to allow Lavi do "that". It had felt good and he had been happy to have done it, to have that one happy memory to take into death. Now, however, he was alive and Lavi was gone and it hurt more than the physical injuries.

'As far as I know, he's arguing with Bookman,' Bak replied to his question and the somewhat amused tone of his voice made Kanda glare at him. 'I don't know what had happened between the two of you, but he's been here all the time, waiting for you to wake up until the Bookman came to tell him that they were leaving. He's asked me to keep an eye on you and left. Just moments ago, Miranda passed by to check if you were awake, because Marie has been asking about you again, and she said that Marie hears the two of them arguing even through the however many walls separating us from the library.'

'How is Marie?' Kanda asked, for the moment deciding to not think about the rest of what Bak had said and the implications of his words. It felt scary to hope that Lavi would stay, because he didn't think the Bookman Junior had anything to say about that. It felt even scarier to think that he wanted him to stay, no matter how much it hurt to think him gone.

Besides, now that the panic was fully gone, it was suddenly difficult to keep his eyes open. His thoughts were straying and he couldn't seem to be focused. He needed to be in a better shape to pick apart his weird feelings towards Lavi.

'He's healing nicely,' Bak assured him in a light tone, smiling a bit. Kanda tried to stifle a yawn, to not show any weakness. However, Bak must have seen, because his smile widened a fraction and he continued. 'Now be a good patient, Kanda and go back to sleep. You will need to learn that your body needs a lot of rest to recover now and that stress is not good for you.'

'But I-'

'No buts, Kanda, don't make me sedate you. And let me mention that your metabolism of sedatives should also be that of a regular human now, so I can actually knock you out if I wish to,' Bak said, going as far as laughing as he finished the phrase. Kanda glared at him, but he was unable to hide his fatigue. Resigned to the fate of a patient, he closed his eyes and drifted off.


	12. Without a reason

**So this is the last chapter! I hope you enjoyed reading (and if you did, do let me know, I love comments and favs ;) ). If you're a DGM fan, I'm currently posting another story, "Garden of fruitless blossoms" (www fanfiction net / s / 9897439 / 1 / Garden-of-fruitless-blossoms), if you like my writing, I have stories from other fandoms, just click on IcyLady and go to my profile ;)**

**And now, please enjoy the last chapter and go to listen to "Stolen season" by The 69 Eyes ;)**

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**Without a reason**

Lavi had indeed been there when Kanda had woken up the next time, but they hadn't had the chance to talk, because Kanda had been barely awake. The same had repeated a couple of times over an undetermined, at least from Kanda's side, amount of time. Sometimes, other people had been there as well: Bak or Komui, often Marie, once even accompanied by Miranda who had still seemed frightened of Kanda.

Finally, one day, Kanda woke up feeling actually awake. He had no idea how much time had passed since the Order's final battle, but he could see that Lavi moved with more grace, meaning that his bruises had healed. Why was he taking so much time to heal? This was unnatural.

'Bak said that it should be alright for you to go out a bit,' was the second thing Lavi said to him, but Kanda's excitement died when the red-head produced a wheelchair with a cheery grin.

'No way,' he protested, when Lavi rolled the wheelchair up to the bed and pulled the covers back. 'I'm not-'

'You have been seriously wounded, Yu,' Lavi said calmly but firmly, not letting him finish the sentence. 'It's a miracle you've even survived and you did get rid of three Noah singlehandedly, so nobody is going to dare even hint their amusement,' he added. 'Now don't be difficult and let me help you onto the wheelchair, so that I can take you out to your garden for a pick nick.'

'What?' was all that Kanda could say and, in his shock, he almost didn't realise that Lavi had gotten him onto the wheelchair, had covered his legs with a thick blanket and was already wheeling him out. 'No, please Lavi,' he whispered and the wheelchair stopped. Dealing with the situation was bad enough. He didn't need his pride-filled words thrown back at him by some stupid Finder.

Because, whatever Lavi had said about wounds and killing Noah, Kanda knew that most of the people in the Order hated him. He had made sure that they did and he didn't regret it, but he knew that meant they wouldn't be stopped from laughing at his weakened state. It didn't help that everybody had liked Allen a lot, even after the boy turned out to be a Noah. Like Lenalee, they would probably only hate him even more for killing Allen, despite that having been the stupid beansprout's wish.

'They're all having lunch, Yu,' the red-head said after a moment of silence and the wheelchair restarted. Indeed, the corridors had mostly been deserted and the unfortunate few, who chanced upon them, were given such a hateful glare by Kanda that they all but ran away. Lavi chuckled quietly on those occasions, not stopping even when they passed by Lenalee, who was the only one to not run immediately, but return the glare somewhat. So much for her understanding, Kanda thought, realising that he had been hoping for a different reaction from the girl.

Thankfully, it didn't take a long time until Kanda found himself in "his" garden, sitting on the grass, propped against a tree and facing a somewhat stressed Lavi, who was trying to not spill anything, taking out the food from the basket.

'Why are you so stressed?' he asked finally, not able to keep quiet anymore. When Lavi blushed furiously, Kanda remembered how Tiedoll had once scolded him for having no subtlety in inter-human contacts. He scowled mentally, pushing away the thoughts of the dead general, also memorised in his little, secret garden.

'I usually don't cook, so,' Lavi trailed off and Kanda immediately forgot his thoughts.

'You cooked it?' he asked incredulously. Why would somebody want to bother if the Order had such a good cook on the premises? If possible, Lavi blushed even more.

'See, I didn't want anybody to know anything and you're the only one in the whole building who eats soba, so I cooked. Besides, I wanted to do something to apologise for not helping you sooner during the battle,' the red-head almost stuttered. Kanda frowned at him, trying to understand his point. 'I know that a lunch is not much of an apology for almost getting you killed, but-' Lavi tried to continue, obviously misreading the frown. This was too complicated.

'Stop right there, stupid rabbit,' Kanda said, finally finding his voice. 'What the hell are you apologising for?' he asked. Lavi laughed.

'Now that's my Yu-chan,' he said and Kanda scowled, not missing the "my" but deciding to not comment on it for the moment and ignore the weird, warm feeling it provoked. 'I should have noticed faster that your wounds were not healing and that you needed help;' Lavi explained.

'Idiot,' Kanda muttered. 'I wanted to die,' he said curtly, watching the frown and the lack of surprise on Lavi's face. So the stupid rabbit had known and yet he was making those stupid excuses. What was wrong with that man? Did it come in the package with those weird feelings Kanda had started feeling towards the Bookman Junior? Unable to look at the hurt and worry on Lavi's face anymore, he turned away, glaring at the plants and trying to not think how many of them symbolised those who were already dead.

'I know,' Lavi muttered finally. 'I knew you wanted to die even before I came to see you in your garden the other time. But the thing is, I couldn't imagine life without you anymore, so I had promised myself that I would protect you to the best of my abilities,' he admitted. Kanda swallowed thickly, not understanding why his heart was suddenly beating faster. He looked at the man only to see him looking at his hands, which he was wringing nervously.

'Why would you do such a thing?' he asked and Lavi's head snapped up, his eye locking with Kanda's gaze.

'Some things just happen without a reason,' he said softly. Then he moved closer and locked Kanda's lips in a short, gentle kiss, before settling down next to him, with his typical Lavi-style grin.

'Shall we eat then? I hope that my soba will be to your tastes,' he said. Kanda mutely watched him finish the preparations. 'I don't know what will happen with all of us, now that the war is over, but if you'll like my cooking then at least I can have some hope that you will stick with me,' he added in a cheerful voice, but the words brought a worrying thought to Kanda's mind.

'Aren't you going to another war with the Bookman?' he asked. Lavi stilled for a moment and Kanda gritted his teeth, waiting for the answer he knew he would get, but then Lavi grinned up at him.

'There's many Bookmen in the world and not all of them are registering the histories of wars,' he said in a conversational tone. 'I can stay and record the small stories of people, if I wish to. It's not very glamorous and many times the Bookmen doing that find themselves all but forgotten by the rest of the clan, which fits me very well, I might add,' he paused. 'It took a while, but I have convinced Bookman that I could not leave with him. I wouldn't be here anymore you know, he's already gone.'

'But,' Kanda started. 'Didn't you sacrifice your life for that? Why would you throw everything away now?'

'To be with you, silly,' Lavi replied without the slightest hesitation, as though it had been the most obvious thing in the world. Kanda again felt a weird sensation of warmth spreading inside him. It felt nice. 'Now dig in,' Lavi added, putting a large plate on Kanda's legs, with different smaller bowls containing the noodles, the sauce and tons of other stuff. Had he really cooked all that?

They ate in silence for a long while. Lavi seemed satisfied with what he said and determined to go through with his plans and, surprisingly, Kanda found that he didn't mind. Somehow, the idea of spending more time with Lavi, even if it wouldn't be imposed by the missions, didn't seem so bad. Blushing, he thought back to the night they had spent in the garden, deciding that it could actually be very good to stay with Lavi.

'So why poppies?' asked Lavi in a cheerful tone, snapping Kanda out of his thoughts. He blinked at the red-head, not understanding the question. He needed a moment to remove his thoughts and focus on the reality and then another moment to connect the question to the place where they were currently sitting.

'How did you know?' he asked finally, instead of answering.

'They're the only red things in your garden and I don't really have a nationality you could use,' Lavi admitted lightly. Didn't it bother him? Then again, Kanda didn't really have a nationality either, being "Japanese" by design not by birth. 'Besides, I have figured the pattern easy enough, you know. You have all the plants very thoughtfully hidden, yet they are arranged in groups. Once I figured that out it was not difficult to make the connections and then the fact that you left the middle of the pattern empty, it was the biggest hint, you know,' the red-head continued, thankfully not looking at Kanda, who wasn't sure if he was able to contain his reaction. Had he really been that easy to read? He hadn't even realised what he had been doing until he had thought that the Turkish evergreen should be somehow close to the Austrian flowers.

'So why poppies?' Lavi asked again. Kanda snorted.

'They came uninvited,' he admitted after a while of silence. 'In the beginning I wanted to get rid of them, but then I thought that you had come uninvited as well and it fitted that they were red and annoying.'

'That's not the nicest thing to say,' Lavi commented with a short laugh. Kanda snorted again. Was he really in such a good mood?

'If you want nice go to A-' he cut himself short, clenching his teeth. He had killed Allen, so Lavi couldn't go to talk with the beansprout. Lavi looked like he was going to say something, so he continued, not wishing to pursue the topic of beansprout. 'Go to talk with somebody else. I'm telling you the truth. Anyways, now I cannot imagine this garden without those annoying flowers,' he added, turning away to hide the pale blush that he knew had crept up his cheeks at the veiled admission.

'Aw, Yu, you can be so adorable,' Lavi laughed, but his tone clearly said that he noticed the hidden message and understood that Kanda was not ready to say anything more. All those hidden messages and wordless understandings were giving Kanda a headache.

'Shut up you stupid rabbit,' he snapped, but his voice lacked the venom to be convincing. Lavi laughed again and this time, Kanda realised, he sounded genuinely happy.

**The end**


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